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<title>&amp; i can't sleep but i can dream of us by orphxus (impxria)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24827104">&amp; i can't sleep but i can dream of us</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/impxria/pseuds/orphxus'>orphxus (impxria)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Friends With Benefits, Gender Neutral Pronouns, desc from eyelids by pvris, first line is from gravity by eden, fwb but nothing 2 spici tho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:01:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,158</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24827104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/impxria/pseuds/orphxus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="small"> ( while i'm dreaming, i feel you leaving. )</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">[ REUPLOAD / REWORK of 'in reverse' ]</span>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>&amp; i can't sleep but i can dream of us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <span class="small">i deleted this story ( prev titled as "in reverse" ) a few years ago but have decided to repost it with some editing/rewriting due to multiple messages asking about the story!</span>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="small"></span></p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>
    <span class="small">( falling's easy,<br/>
but there's only one way out. )</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span class="small"> <b> .     .     .</b><br/>
</span>
  </p>
</div><span class="small"><b>i</b>.</span><p>
  <span class="small">it’s all so wrong, this false sense of comfort you continuously find yourself searching for. night after night, drunk or sober, happy or sad-- it doesn’t matter. you seek pleasure from each other despite that terrifying feeling of guilt that digs deep into hearts because in those quiet moments, minds go blank and everything comes to a stand still, and at the end of it all, the only thing you can remember is his touch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">and when his body presses against yours, lips leaving butterfly kisses against your skin, a sickening reminder of greed comes and goes because damn it all--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you are selfish and so is he.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">but you are not his and he is not yours-- not now, not ever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">because love is not something you are familiar with and you are both too cowardly, too foolish to understand what it means. because these nights were never meant to lead to broken hearts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you are ignorant in your ways, hopeless and lost. you find love to be a foreign concept-- something so frighteningly unfamiliar, but you fail to realize how much it runs through your veins. it leaves your fingertips when you touch him, whether it be hands desperately gripping onto his shoulders when he takes hold of your hips or fingers gently fixing his impossible mess of hair in the mornings that he dares stay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">these thoughts never fail to leave, but you try to forget because you <i>need</i> to-- but in the long run, they always return.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">and when you’re fighting for breath, too aware of the figure that lies next to you, every ounce of pleasure and shock that flows through your body slowly dies away in the night. and suddenly, you are left feeling emptier than before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">the room is eerily quiet-- uncomforting and unsettling in a way. you turn your back towards him and he fails to notice how you clutch the sheets as if they’re the only thing left in the world that could protect you from him. the only thing that could protect you from these frightening emotions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">but the exhaustion seeps in all too quickly, lashes fluttering as the struggle to remain awake grows. before sleep takes you, the faint creak of the bed goes unnoticed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he kisses your forehead when you fall asleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he leaves again.</span>
</p>
<p>
<span class="small">( no, this is not love. this is not what love should be.</span></p>
<p>
  <span class="small">
you don’t know what it should be, but when the feeling comes,</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">
you think you will understand it. )
</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><b>ii</b>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he doesn’t exactly know how this happened, this transition from friends to friends with benefits to--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he pauses, and he finds that the correct words fail to come to mind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">it’s supposed to start with no strings attached. kuroo doesn’t need any reassurance to realize that something has changed. whenever you’re around each other, there’s a strange air of tension that cannot be ignored. he notices that you begin to turn away from him when the calm settles in during those nights; he notices that you no longer stare at each other in quiet solace before smiles break out and he kisses you just <i>one</i> more time. even in the most innocent of touches, like the ones where he moves a strand of hair away from your face, you sometimes tense up, finding excuses to move away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">it makes his heart drown lower and lower into dread-- a strange feeling, really, one that bothers him more than it should.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">there’s always a game plan, kuroo thinks. there’s always a solution, always something to be done.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">but in this case, he finds himself at a loss.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">because it isn’t as easy as asking what’s happened or how you feel towards each other--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><i>it is</i>, he realizes. it is that simple. but fear restrains a heavy heart and he’s left searching for answers that could come so easily, yet in the most complex ways.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">whenever he leaves in the middle of the night, just as he always does, he fights the urge to stay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">because there are rules with these things.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">do not fall in love. do not feel anything other than what you feel in those nights.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">( he begins to struggle to remember this. )</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><b>iii</b>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“step one: fall in love with love. that’s shitty advice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">kenma’s eyes flicker away from the phone when you read the article out loud.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“why are you reading that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“because,” you respond, throwing the magazine onto the table, “my phone died and you won’t even <i>dare</i> let me touch your phone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“you keep wasting my hearts,” comes the immediate reply, “and they take long to recover.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you pause, gaze shifting between kenma and the apartment ceiling as you listlessly lie on the couch. he thinks he’s said something wrong, but he waits in silence, game paused. but you laugh instead, and his brows knit at the genuine bitterness that rings in it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">there’s no need for explanations. he met you at the same time you met kuroo, and since then, he’s seen how you’ve both danced in blissful oblivion together. but even years later, that bliss that follows ignorance ever so closely is dying, and now, you’re left wondering what you are to each other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you wonder if you’re wasting away in this friendship-- whatever you can even call it now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he isn’t there to play matchmaker-- this, at the very least, he knows. but never does he just stand at the sidelines and watch you drown in reverie. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“how many hearts do you have left, kenma?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">"just one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">a weak smile crosses your lips as he hands his phone to you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“this is yours,” he says, his tone softer than usual, “don’t throw it away.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><b>iv</b>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“red string of fate.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“sorry?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“the red string of fate.” akaashi repeats, absentmindedly erasing yet another mistake on your assignment. “i believe it exists.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">it’s an abrupt change of conversation-- one that fills your chest with wariness and forces you to hold your breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“how do you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“i don’t. no one does.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">your gaze matches his evenly, and just as always, he’s able to pick up on every emotion that overwhelms you. he stares at you with the same worry as he once did when he realized what your relationship with kuroo had become. he stares and stares before shoulders rise and fall with a quiet sigh. the knot in your chest tightens, and you force yourself to look elsewhere.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">because he always knows what’s happening; he’s always looked out for you like an older brother and his instincts are always right when it comes to others.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he doesn’t understand your situation, nor does he try to-- it’s not his place. he knows that you manage to overcome every obstacle you encounter. but right now, your heart struggles to find all the puzzle pieces and put them all together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">akaashi believes you are in love. he believes everything you have with kuroo is genuine, even if it may be of convenience. because hearts hold trust, loyalty, and devotion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">this, he knows, is what you and kuroo share with each other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“the red string of fate connects people.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“i know that.” you pause, shame burning into your skin when you cannot ignore the lump in your throat. “what are you trying to say?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">his brotherly instinct tells him to protect you, but he knows that kuroo is a good person. he sees how happy you are with him and he wishes you hadn’t fallen for each other in reverse. he wishes that you could have fallen in love like they do in all the stories, but this is real life and you’ve fallen in the strangest of ways.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">another sigh leaves his lips and the gentle countenance he holds reminds you of the childhood moments where you’d scrape your knee and cry, but all he would do was pat your head and give you the same expression.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“so who do you think is at the end of that thread?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he never receives a proper answer, but the heavy silence says more than enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“i don’t know what to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">( and just like he always has done in troubled times, he pats your head and ruffles your hair. )</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><b>v</b>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">when you come home from class, you expect the norm-- an empty apartment, unfolded laundry-- the usual. what you don’t expect, however, is a stray cat sitting on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">and it’s not kuroo ( <i>well</i>, not this time ).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">green eyes stare a little too intensely and all you can do is stare back with uncertainty. it’s a cute cat, no doubt about that-- but it looks like it’s about to commit murder. you don’t close the door behind you, shifting uncomfortably as your gaze alternates between the animal and the door, as if it’ll somehow understand that you’re trying to tell it to get the hell out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">so that goes on for a few minutes until you realize this isn’t going to work. you try to cautiously approach, but the cat hisses and darts straight into your bedroom. and when you follow, every damn sign of hostility comes from the stray. this cat could probably take you on and win.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">that, and it never stops staring.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you’ll admit defeat; you probably can’t get the cat out. but a certain someone can, you think, stepping slowly out of the room as you grab your phone. you’ve been avoiding him lately and he’s aware; he’s just given you space until things sort themselves out. but running only lasts for so long and does so little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">despite your desire to call akaashi or kenma to help out, you swallow your pride and dial his number. besides, you reason, he’s got a way with animals, so surely this is the right call.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“hey, sunshine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“there’s a cat in my house.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">a brief silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“kenma?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“what? no, you dumbass. a real cat.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“oh. why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you swear that your eyes almost roll into the back of your head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“because i thought it was cute and invited it in for coffee,” you respond in an exasperated tone, “can you just come over and get it out?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">sure enough, it takes him ten minutes to come over.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“where is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“the bedroom.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">a smug, knowing look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“there’s actually a cat in there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you’ve never seen disappointment appear so quickly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">it takes him a minute to get the cat out. one minute. apparently, you made the right call.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you expect him to leave right after, but he plops down on the couch and turns on the television, shooting a lazy look your way before gesturing to the vacant seat beside him. you’re too exhausted to even bother questioning why he’s still around and he knows that-- but if you ask him to leave, then he will. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you never do, but in the back of your mind, you’re waiting for him to go-- because that’s what always happens.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he notes how your hands wring together in apprehension and he almost begins to move towards the door-- but you move first, walking with such hesitance that it’s almost as if you were walking on landmines before sitting close to the other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you’re afraid he might push you away. you’re afraid that this affection is something that should never happen in this type of relationship. it’s testing the boundaries, gently pushing and pulling to see how he’ll react.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">it surprises him-- the fact that you would even do such a thing and the fact that he’s happy to learn you feel comfortable enough to do so. because this is a different type of intimacy, one that you would never think to share with each other. and it brings out a vulnerability neither of you have yet to experience, even in the dim moonlight when he showers you in kisses.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">but he never moves away, though he feels the tension in your body. he never tries to break the silence with his lame jokes; he simply watches the show, though all his thoughts are on you and only you.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he likes this, this sense of comfort of just being-- just having you at his side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">but you’ve always been there; he knows that. but this time, it feels different. it feels better; this is what it should have always been like. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">his mind is too occupied with searching for the right words to say, lips parting until he notices how much you’re leaning against him. he notices the way your breathing has changed because he’s too familiar with waiting for that pattern-- because that’s when it’s time to leave. and it leaves a terrible, bitter pang of guilt that hits hard when he notices how often he has waited for that in the late nights.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">this time, he does not leave.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">the next morning, you wake with his arm wrapped around your waist and his head resting on yours. and when he wakes with you, he grins at your puzzlement.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“morning, sunshine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">it’s in that moment that you decide to stop running away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">( &amp; in all the nights he’s spent with you, he thinks that was the best one. )</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><b>vi</b>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“i think you’re in love.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">kuroo waits for bokuto to break out into that classic, mischievous grin, but it never comes. instead, it’s a genuine, proud smile that greets him instead, and frankly, he’s not sure if it’s trepidation or relief that washes over him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“huh?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">it seems so obvious to everyone except for the two, bokuto thinks. he leans back in the chair, arms behind his head while humming in thought. you and kuroo are so vastly different in ways that make you fit together in a strange sense. it’s a delicate situation, naturally, but bokuto is just telling kuroo what he already knows, so technically-- <i>technically</i>, akaashi can’t lecture him for interfering.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">but then again, he’s not the best person to give advice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“you don’t think so?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">kuroo doesn’t know. he’s never considered it, and now, he feels like an absolute idiot at how hard those first few words strike a nerve. it’s been there. it’s always been there. love has been dwelling in his heart for a long while and he’s pulled the wool over his eyes in ignorance. a loud exhale of frustration fills the air when bokuto pats him on the back, but neither of them can think of anything to say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“i don’t think you’re the only one in love.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">in any other given situation, kuroo would feel joyous knowing that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">but this isn’t normal. this isn’t you dating and finally reaching the point where confessions of “i love yous” come naturally. this is something that was never intended to happen-- but he doesn’t regret it, not at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he just wishes things were simpler. he wishes he could feel better about the butterflies that flutter in his stomach.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">bokuto wonders if he should continue with the words of wisdom. akaashi definitely doesn’t hand out advice in such obvious ways and he’s been told over and over again to not interfere, but he can’t help it; he knows you could be so much happier instead of losing yourselves in doubt and confusion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“you know,” he starts out, a hand resting on his friend’s shoulder, “i bet you’d get a definite yes if you asked them out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">that goofy smile doesn’t quite help, but it falters slightly when he laces careful consideration into his next words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“just because things happened in a weird way doesn’t mean you can’t start from the beginning, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">another hefty pat on the back-- one that feels almost hard enough to push a certain someone in the right direction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">kuroo’s heart feels lighter after that conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><b>vii</b>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“do you want to go on a date?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">people can think kuroo tetsurou oozes confidence and sex appeal all they want, but right now, that is <i>definitely</i> not the case. he’s been trying so hard to keep his composure and ask the damn question-- and while it didn’t come out as smoothly as he would have liked, he’s hoping you’ll be a little merciful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">however, there are many odd things about the current situation:</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">one: kuroo tetsurou is formally asking you out on a date.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">two: something tells you that this simple question holds more significance than you could imagine. it brings musings over whether you can be anything more than just friends with benefits.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">three: bokuto and akaashi are hiding behind a pillar.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“-- not with them, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">his brows raise before he notices the suspicious duo.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“not with them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">you laugh when they come out of hiding; bokuto greets you with a cheesy smile and akaashi holds the faintest satisfaction in his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“then yeah, let’s go on a date.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">this first date will be the one that leads to a road of security and many cherished moments between loved ones.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">and despite all the nerves, the date is just like any other time you spend with kuroo-- comfortable. familiar.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he takes you out to dinner, walks you home, and it’s only when you reach your apartment that you both get nervous again. he refuses to let it show-- he’s done well up to this point and there’s no way he’s going to screw this up-- not after all you’ve gone through.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">so he smiles that handsome smile and kisses your forehead, and the warmth you feel almost makes you feel like you’re in high school again-- childish and head over heels for kuroo tetsurou.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">( and truthfully, that kiss has made you feel more for him than any other one. )</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small"><b>viii</b>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">countless dates and months later and you’re finally understanding what those late night thoughts meant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">things are different now. the affectionate gestures hold a different sentiment and you find that you can breathe easier nowadays.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">when his skin presses against yours, there is no guilt. there are no worries about what will happen in the future-- there is only warmth and happiness, only love and adoration.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“kuroo,” his name comes out with a soft exhale, and through all the nights he’s heard it over and over again, there’s something so different this time-- something so raw and excruciatingly vulnerable that he thinks he’s fallen even harder than possible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">“what do you think love is?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he freezes, hands resting comfortably on your sides. you smile at him ( a sheepish smile, really, because this question is more than embarrassing ), but the softness in your expression almost makes him forget what you even asked. he almost hesitates, but he hardly has to put much thought into the answer. it comes to him in mere seconds, but a rare moment of timidness latches on and the ability to express such a simple, yet heavy response disappears. but his blithe smile says enough and you understand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">he murmurs your name across your lips and kisses you with such fervor that you wish to never let go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="small">( love is you and i. )</span>
</p>
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